There are many things in life that remain a mystery or unsolved. Questions that have been raised, unexplained phenomenons that have gone unanswered to logic or reason. Such things as, is Bigfoot real? Does the Loch Ness Monster exist? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
However, one question has had America, and well, the world, deeply perplexed for decades, and that is — why does Donald Trump keep his hair like that?
I mean, it can’t be on purpose, right? He must know it looks awful. It’s as though a used-car salesman and a televangelist got together and had a greasy-haired baby and named it The Donald.
Well, we may finally have the answer to this age-old question — The Environment Protection Agency, otherwise known as the EPA.
But of course! Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before now. Of course the government is to blame for Trump’s hair looking the way that it does.
When addressing a crowd of supporters in Aiken, South Carolina, Trump was asked about EPA regulations and what he thought of them. He told the crowd:
“I’ll give you one regulation. So I build, and I build a lot of stuff. And I go into areas where they have tremendous water… And you have sinks where the water doesn’t come out…. You have showers where I can’t wash my hair properly, it’s a disaster!“
Further explaining why his hair comes out as the ‘disaster” that it is, he said:
“It’s true. [The showerheads] have restrictors put in. The problem is you stay under the shower for five times as long.”
So, he basically implied that he either doesn’t shower as much as he should to wash his hair, OR when he does, he’s unable to rinse everything out. And let’s face it, there’s probably a lot to rinse out — like the essence of EVIL. In fact, that’s probably the name of his shampoo — Herbal Essence of Evil.
However, instead of going on and looking out into the audience and realizing everyone else is able to lather, rinse and repeat without a problem, he should problem blame his own grooming habits and inability to get a proper hair cut.
No one’s buying the lie that you have a luxurious full head of hair, Donnie, no one. Do what my grandpa did when he finally admitted to himself that he no longer had a full head of hair and a comb-over wasn’t cutting it — get a buzz cut. And then, showering will be a breeze! In and out no problem, barely any shampoo even required. No further need to blame the government for your failure to maintain proper hygiene.
To the broader point of the necessity of the EPA, water and air are the very elements of life that we simply cannot live without, quite literally. We’ve all seen the Lorax, we know what happens when we stop caring about the environment and don’t include any regulations. Of course, dirty air and water could make corporations trying to make a profit off gods green earth a hell of a lot of money. And we all know what Trump loves — money.
So let’s stop blaming government regulations to minimize water usage and keeping our air and water clean for our every day problems. It’s not only inaccurate, its pathetic.
Featured image: Gage Skidmore (flickr)