JUST IN: The Ted Cruz Sex Scandal Must Be Fake, This is Why

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Seriously? They say there is someone for everyone, but Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz cashed in his ticket when he found his wife. She was his only shot at marital happiness or even extramarital happiness, and he was oh, so lucky to capture such an accomplished, intelligent woman.

But “The National Enquirer” alleged Friday that Cruz had five extramarital affairs, if not more. (Pausing here for the laughter to die down.)

Try searching Google for “sexy Ted Cruz” and nothing shows up. That’s sad. When Hollywood’s Ashton Kutcher gave a conservative speech at the Teen Choice Awards about hard work. Cruz lifted from that speech the suggestion that intelligence is sexier than a handsome appearance:

‘Always be sexy. I salute that message.’

Then people threw up a little in their mouths.

You see, the problem is that Cruz has that Eddy Haskell smarminess quality about him. Haskell was a character in the old “Leave It To Beaver” series. He would slime up to the Beave’s mom, draw out that whiny voice, and lay an utterly fake compliment on her.

The tabloid reported that Cruz had affairs with a foxy political consultant and a high-placed D.C. attorney. Then, The National Enquirer had the nerve to claim one of Cruz’s affairs involved “a wild sex worker.”

The gossip magazine sounds as if it believes its own stories:

‘”Private detectives are digging into at least five affairs Ted Cruz supposedly had,” claimed a Washington insider.

“The leaked details are an attempt to destroy what’s left of his White House campaign!”‘

Isn’t it interesting about the CEO of the tabloid David Pecker? No, not his sorry-sounding name, isn’t it interesting, he is one of Trump’s long-time buddies?

The article says that Cruz had an affair with a hooker, but that doesn’t seem likely. The scenario would be something like this:

Hooker finds Cruz on his knees, praying, but he interrupts himself:

‘Here’s your $20, and I want the change back. It’s against my religion to tip.’

Hooker stops removing her clothing, turns around, and gets a good look at her client:

‘Oh, no. Unh uh. I’ve been with the dirtiest, ugliest, nastiest men on earth. But I just can’t do it.’

Cruz sighs resignedly:

‘I know. It has been this way all of my life. Tell me what can I do to change your mind.’

Hooker shudders and starts putting clothes back on:

‘You just give me the creeps. You make my skin crawl. That happened once before, and I don’t want to tell you what happened, except the police said I’m lucky I got out of there before it started.’

Cruz is angry now:

‘You’ll be sorry when I’m president of these United States. You could have said that you did the dirty thing with the president!’

Hooker laughs:

‘Oh, honey, you’ll be president long before you ever get laid.’

Seriously, when a candidate puts a whole page on his campaign site talking about marriage, there is a problem:

  • Life, Marriage, and family are the fundamental building blocks of society.
  • Life is a precious gift from God. We must cherish and defend it. Without life, there is no liberty; without life, there is no pursuit of happiness.
  • Marriage is a sacrament between one man and one woman, it has strengthened societies for millennia, and we must uphold the truth of marriage.
  • Extreme leftists — activist judges, the Obama Administration, and academic elites — are trying to extinguish these most fundamental, God-given rights.

These values work out well. These give Cruz has an excuse for his un-sexy appeal.

‘Marriage is a sacrament between one man and one woman.’

People should expect to find a retraction soon, that Cruz did NOT have five extramarital affairs. He had sex five times.

Featured Image: Gage Skidmore via Flickr, Creative Commons License.

H/T: The National Enquirer.