No Happy Endings For Masturbators Says This Prominent Christian


‘Masturbation is a direct path to Satan. There’s nothing normal about it. And shame on any Christian that says so.’

Mack Major from Eden Decoded disagrees with masturbation. In fact, Major disagrees so much that he felt compelled to pen a blog post for Eden Decoded about his anti-self pleasuring views which also appeared on Facebook next to a picture of some huge penis sculptures. There’s a time for being subtle, and there’s a time for shoving a phallic symbol in your audiences faces, Major knows how to make a statement.

The post is titled ‘Vibrators, Dildos, and Sex Demons’ but isn’t as exciting as it could be with that as a headline. Instead, it bemoans a Christian rhetoric that sees masturbation as an evil to be expunged from society. Major continues:

‘Many of you who are reading this have sex toys in your possession right now. And whether you want to accept it as fact or not: those sex toys are an open portal between the demonic realm and your own life. As long as you have those sex toys in your home, you have a doorway that can allow demons to not only access your life at will, but also to torment you, hinder and destroy certain parts of your life as it relates to sex and your relationships.’

The author makes a bold claim here, as there is currently no scientific evidence available to prove any link exists between vibrators and demonic portals. To come to that conclusion, Major references the ancient fertility God Priapus, who was worshipped thousands of years ago and often appears as a man with a massive erection. The Christian author attempts to prove his masturbation is evil theory by interpreting a major historical event:

‘He [Priapus] was really popular in the ancient city of Pompeii…The walls of many of the homes and palaces were painted with detaield frescos of very graphic pornographic sexual scenes…Keep in mind that Pompeii was suddenly destroyed and thousands of lives were wiped out in an instant’

It’s a tenuous link, but Major should be given credit for at least trying to back up his claims with some sort of logical reasoning. Christianity, as well as most other religions, often weigh in on masturbation, sex, and love. Christianity seems oddly fascinated by the sexual habits of its followers, often to the apparent detriment of the people involved. Masturbation is a topic hotly debated by Christians, and Major’s opinion is certainly shared by many of that faith.

Juli Slattery from Today’s Christian Woman has also weighed in on masturbation and provides a less fantastical commentary than Major, instead interpreting the morality of the act using the scripture. She argues that:

‘While masturbation itself isn’t immoral, the sexual fantasies that usually go with it may be. Most women only masturbate when they are thinking about or looking at something sexual. Sexual fantasies about someone you are not married to are, as Jesus stated, “adultery of the heart.’

So Slattery leaves some wiggle room for the masturbator. In her opinion, you won’t be damned to hell for masturbating as long as you think about your spouse while doing it. The act isn’t wrong, it’s a biological function, it’s the intent behind the action that God apparently cares about.

Masturbation is already a difficult discussion point for parents and kids but when you add faith to the conversation you are treading on a proverbial minefield. Masturbation has proven health benefits (proven by science, not by ancient scripture) and can encourage peaceful sleep, relieve stress, and even prevent prostate cancer in men. Imagine you’re a Christian teenager exploring your sexuality for the first time and you read this:

‘There are such things are sex demons. And the danger in masturbating is that one could inadvertantly summon a sex demon to attach itself to you through the act of masturbating. And once that demon attaches, it is difficult to get it to leave. It will drive you to masturbate, even when you don’t want to. You’ll be hit with urges to play with yourself so powerful that only an orgasm will allow you some temporary relief.’

An absolutely natural act is suddenly made evil and terrifying for Christians who believe in the Devil and demons. You’ll be stuck fighting between your body’s natural urges and your faith’s doctrine. It’s a horrible form of torment that no young adult should be put through.

One would assume there are worse demons around than those that require you to orgasm on a regular basis; otherwise, Hell isn’t the objectionable and awful place it’s made out to be, instead becoming a warmer and less dangerous spring break.

Masturbation is such a hot button topic for the religious that a website exists to tell you exactly what your chosen faith says about self-satisfaction, to help you decide whether you’re risking damnation or not should you choose to ‘choke the snake’ or ‘flick the bean’. An informed decision is a good decision, so it’s nice that someone out there has found the time to collate such a significant wealth of information.

It’s easy to poke holes in Major’s article, particularly since none of it references any provable fact, but the best example of this being a work of fiction rather than anything to be taken seriously can be found here:

‘When we imagine having sex with another via masturbation, we are actually summoning the power of the spirit realm to manifest the thing we are imagining.’

How many of you out there have ever had the person you’re thinking about appear during your session of self-congress? If Major’s statement is true, Scarlett Johansson’s schedule must be extremely full all year round.

Featured Image via sarkastikbastrd on Twitter.