Internet ‘Sources’ Reveal Trump Hides Tax Returns Because Of Donations To NAMBLA

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Donald Trump. Billionaire. Real estate mogul. And NAMBLA donor. No, we’ve got no evidence whatsoever of that last one, but some very smart people, including a very cleverly programmed Reddit bot, are saying that’s why we haven’t seen his tax returns yet.

Reddit has been infected with an electronic cancer of late, in the form of /r/The_Donald. This Trump subreddit is such a haven for brainless pro-Trump spam and anti-Hillary propaganda that it makes Conservative Daily News look like the New York Times. What’s worse is that Donald Trump’s loyal following has consistently managed to get valueless posts from the subreddit to the front page by sheer force. According to The Daily Beast, though, some valiant redditors are fighting back.

‘Speaking of tax returns, did you hear Donald Trump is refusing to release them because Donald Trump has donated to NAMBLA? That’s what all the best sources, the most tremendous sources are saying.’

No, that’s not Bill Maher or John Oliver. It’s the Automoderator for /r/EnoughTrumpSpam, the heroic subreddit formed to save Reddit from the scourge of /r/The_Donald. The Automoderator is, essentially, a robot that lives online and has been programmed to regurgitate perfectly worded, lawsuit proof text based on the same lies The Orange One loves to spew. Every time someone on /r/EnoughTrumpSpam mentions taxes, the “bot” does its job. And though it’s only been a few days, the NAMBLA-gate conspiracy theory has penetrated deeply into the web. “Trump and NAMBLA” got a big surge in searches on Google this week.

The Automoderator is not just there to mock the ridiculous demagoguery that has characterized the Trump campaign. It’s mainly there to get him to release his tax returns like every other presidential candidate ever. However, the flawless way it points out Trump’s ability to turn baseless accusations into political ammo is flawless. Take this gem, for example.

‘Maybe that’s right, maybe that’s wrong, but I don’t know why he doesn’t he release his records. Why doesn’t he release [them]?’

Oh wait, that’s not the bot. That’s an actual Trump quote. He said it while he was trying to harass Barack Obama into releasing his birth certificate in 2011.

What about this one?

‘A lot of people are questioning [them]. There are some major questions here and the press doesn’t wanna cover it. The press just refuses to cover it.’

Whoops. Sorry. Trump again. That was an effort on his part to do the same thing, except this time in 2012.

‘Somebody asked me the question the other day, and I said that a lot of people are very skeptical as to what happened and how he died.’

That quote is Trump attempting to validate the conspiracy theory that Hillary Clinton killed Vince Foster. Trump has set the bar high for bulls**t, so high it’ll actually take a machine to replicate his politically motivated lying effectively. A moderator for /r/EnoughTrumpSpam named Faiz declined to give his last name, but he had this to say about his subreddit’s invention.

‘If you think about it, this is exactly how Trump works. He stirs up as much smoke as he possibly can to convince people that there is fire.’

/r/EnoughTrumpSpam has a plan. The idea is to saturate the net so heavily with quotes from the bot that nobody can tell whether it’s built upon real information anymore. Which is precisely what the birther movement managed to do for years.

A user named J., who refused to give his real name so he “wouldn’t be witch-hunted,” put in his two cents.

‘I thought to do it because, well, I thought it’d be a good laugh. Also, If I kept repeating the phrase “Donald Trump donated to NAMBLA” every time tax returns was mentioned, which is often, Google might pick up on it as a hot phrase. I’m so glad that it’s trending, although I can’t take sole credit.’

Indeed, it’s been a team effort. Reddit users have made threads about the Trump NAMBLA connection. Buzzfeed users posted it as community news. Some folks even made entire fake Fox News websites about Trump’s alleged ties to the group that provides an organized endorsement of pedophilia. This internet saturation technique is called a Googlebomb.

The best thing about this rumor is it’s not even new. In the mid-2000s, Jon Stewart of “The Daily Show” loved shortening any long organization’s name to “NAMBLA.”

Stewart also seems to have had a great time digging under Trump’s skin over the last few years. The Orange One called Stewart an “overrated asshole-total phony” via his Twitter account. He also tweeted the following after Stewart gave him a rather colorful nickname in 2013.

The rumor about Trump’s NAMBLA ties had gained enough traction by last Thursday that the website Inquisitr felt it necessary to debunk it. But Faiz thinks the party is still going strong.

‘As for the campaign responding, I think that would be the ultimate prize. I don’t think he will, but Trump gets set off pretty easily so I can dream. The only logical conclusion would really be Trump releasing his tax returns but he would never do that because he’s hiding donations to NAMBLA. That’s what I’ve heard from some very smart people anyway.’

Noble political goals combined with sophisticated satire. These Reddit kids might have something good going for them.

Featured image courtesy of Martha Soukup and Gage Skidmore on Flickr. Both available through Creative Commons 2.0 license. Images have been modified from their original forms.