House Speaker Paul Ryan’s Car Was Just Eaten By A Family Of Ravenous Woodchucks

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Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) must have been really bad. After all, it is not every day that fate comes down and strikes the leading House Republican in a way quite so unusual and, yes, funny. Is it possible his upcoming retirement is not happening soon enough?

Ryan comes from Wisconsin, where its winters put other states’ winters to shame. Even the hardiest creatures have to seek out shelter and food wherever they can.

The speaker admitted to the Economic Club of Washington, D.C., NPR reported:

‘My car was eaten by animals. It’s just dead.’

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A family of woodchucks decided the speaker’s Ford F-150 would make a perfect place to winter. Apparently, they also found the Chevy Suburban’s wiring quite tasty.

Ryan left the vehicle at his mother’s house in his hometown. After she returned from wintering in Florida, the Ford would not start. Little did she know.

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The speaker has a security detail, which means no driving for the past three years. At least, that was his excuse for not taking the wheel.

That was why he said he left his large SUV unattended. He continued:

‘So I towed it into the dealer, they put it up, and they realized that a family of woodchucks lived in the underbody of my Suburban.’

In the autumn of his tenure, Ryan tentatively spoke up against Donald Trump’s policies almost loud enough for people to hear. He said:

‘The rulebook for the global economy of the future is being written right now. The question is whether the United States will be holding the pen.’

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Ryan refused to support the investigation into Russia’s attack on the U.S. presidential elections, instead supporting his old buddy and Trump handmaiden Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA). He dismissed  allegations against then-coach Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH), who allegedly ignored the pleas for help from his sexually-abused wrestlers.

After his weak showing as speaker, he meekly lifted his hand for a presidential run:

‘You never say never to such things, but I really, really do not have it in my mind. For sure not while my kids are at home, and they’re home for the next five years.’

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Ryan and his woodchucks will soon fade from memory. After his run as speaker, the most he can say is that by his inaction, the Republicans discarded their fine history and transformed themselves into the Greedy Old Party – and all Ryan got was this lousy new truck.

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Featured Image via Getty Images/Win McNamee.