‘I, Donald John Trump, need to write a CONCESSION speech. First Son-in-law Jared Kushner and Melania told me I have to have one, all presidents do. And we know how fond of Jared, Donald Trump is…’
‘…A concession speech, whatever. I tried to get Stephen Miller to do it, but he is in Tee-a-WHAN-ah. That’s in CHI-nah. That speech’s like those Victorian ones they give in college. How hard could it be? After all, I am the most stable genius in the world…’
‘…Okay, so here I go concessing by tweet…’
‘…Dear CONCESSION readers, did I tell you, Melania has a double? So do I. He went to Walter Reed Hospital and had the COVID for me. What a good guy. I was in one of the parade cars, jumped out, and ripped open my shirt. But I forgot to wear my SuperTrump costume, so the secret service had to tackle me and pretend I was a naked immigrant…’
‘…Donald Trump has never lost anything and never will. He is the greatest president in the world except for my best friends Vladimir Putin and Adolf Elizabeth Hitler. Kids made fun of him for that. I just met Hitler, because people have been telling me that he looks just like me. I don’t see it. But HE’S a nice guy..’
‘…Vlad and Ado had lunch with me in the Oval Office. We had chocolate cake, the most chocolatiest cake in the country for appetizers. Then, WE had cold hamburgers and French fried. That is why they are ringing the BELLS for me in PARIS. And for dessert, we had chocolate cake, but only me. I’m the only one to get two pieces. It was the tallest cake in the world, nearly as tall as me now that I grew an inch my first year in office. I probably should grow another inch…’
‘…Did I tell you, Melania has a DOUBLE? I tell Melania she’s nicer to me…’
‘…I think my best friends are going to start a CLUB, and no girls can come in, because they always ruin everything. That Camel Harris is from Jamaica, the 45th state in the country. I don’t like her. Neither DOES Adolf. Vlad thinks she’s hot..’
‘…Vlad told me that I should tear gas Black Lives Matter STREET, which is the shortest and crookedist street in America or Russia. I don’t know why he wants me to tear gas an empty street, but he never steered me wrong before…’
‘…He told me I was so smart for giving everybody the COVID. He said “Old people should be shot.” I like that. But they won’t let me have a gun any more since I shot that mealy-mouthed lawn mowing kid. What? It was an accident. Dick Bruce Cheney shot his friend, and it was NO BIG DEAL…’
‘…Vlad also said I should not leave the White House in January, because I’m the bigliest president EXCEPT for Taft, whoever that is. I don’t know why I haven’t been able to call my best friend, the one from Russia. He sings me to sleep every night and Melania won’t do it anymore now that she knows I’m broke. Did I tell you, Melania has a double? I TELL Melania her double is hotter…’
‘…There must be something wrong with the phones. When I call Sean Hannity, it keeps saying it isn’t a working number…’
‘..I think I’m going to SELL Nebraska, because they didn’t vote for me. Adolf said he would trade it for Germany. I don’t like that Ang-a-lah Marbles, though. Maybe I’ll give sell it to Rudy Giuliani. He’s crazy. Did you know that? Watch his eyes, that’s how you CAN tell. Maybe, I’ll trade Nebraska for England. I always wanted a queen…’
‘…Did I tell you, Melania has a double? I tell Melania she’s getting old. Her double is 20 years younger. Next week I’m going to have my Attorney General Bill Barr put Hillary, Obama, and Sleepy Joe in jail — if I can find him. Is he on VACATION?..’
‘..In my third term, I’ll have the hugest CROWDS. Did you know Melania has a double? I tell the First Lady the SECOND lady is 10 pounds thinner. I’m thinking about changing the color of the White House. This place is a dump. A king should have a palace, you know like that guy over in Bavaria’s cool castle…’
‘Ivanka and Don Jr. are having a knife fight over who gets to go next. But I decided not to die, so I won’t have to let Eric have my gold crown. I stole it from Hallmark…’
‘…Hugs AND kisses, your dearest leader in the whole wide world. I’m all concessed OUT.’
The Mueller Report Adventures: In Bite-Sizes on this Facebook page. These quick, two-minute reads interpret the report in normal English for busy people. Mueller Bite-Sizes uncovers what is essentially a compelling spy mystery. Interestingly enough, Mueller Bite-Sizes can be read in any order.
