Rudy Giuliani Goes Berserk Over Escalating Criminal Investigation

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Suddenly, it all becomes obvious. The guy who likes to hang around the Four Seasons lawn service, you know, the one next to the pornography store, is arguing Transylvanian law, not ours. Silly us. No wonder he called any investigation into the ex-president “unconstitutional.” That is when Donald Trump rather successfully tried to rev up a mob of 8,000 of his closest followers, aim them our iconic Capitol Building, and depress the plunger.

Rudy Giuliani just finished his own Newsmax show. There, he figuratively went after the Manhattan District Attorney (DA) Cyrus Vance Jr., but the DA held the well-worn 77-year-old at bay with a palm to the top of Giuliani’s sweating head and read a book as the Trump/fixer took swing after swing. There is nothing quite like going for a knockout with the guy who holds the ex-mayor’s job.

Vance got bored, so Giuliani turned, figuratively speaking, and tried to jump up onto the back of the New York Attorney General Letitia James. Bad idea. Chances are she could turn him into jelly much like Queen Latifah has done repeatedly on Sunday nights.

It seems that hair-coloring man was upset that these two remarkable modern-day heroes were investigating Trump and company aka the man with a pardon tucked into his sleeve, like grandmothers used to do with hankies. Part of those state investigations, which can operate freely, as opposed to federal ones, involve Trump manipulating the values of his properties to suit the situation. Trump’s conversations might have gone something like this:

‘Mr. Taxman, why that old piece of trash over there in Florida with the golf course, why that is not worth more than 50 cents. ‘

‘Mr. Loan Officer my hands are clean. See I’ve been using Purell. That fantastically expensive ,luxury resort with my name plaster all over it, why it is so unique, like a rare Hope Diamond. So won’t you see your way to loaning me $100 billion, and I won’t tell you why.’

Poor crazed Mr. Giuliani. His hair dye must have leaked into his ears and wiped out most of some of the important bits of his brain. The long-gone mayor said his former client could not possibly have broken the Ukrainian constitution, because it was under lock and key in a Dacha somewhere frigid on a frozen Russian river:

‘[T]hat’s being investigated. They’ve gone through his whole life searching for something they can make into a criminal act. That’s a very, very dangerous thing to do for America. In fact, it’s anti-American. I think [it’s] unconstitutional.’

Trump claimed he was being investigated, apparently in the longest-ever IRS audit. The ex-mayor said:

‘Donald Trump’s life has been investigated over and over again. They’re going back years before he was Donald Trump! So these people are politically motivated, poor excuses for public servants.’

The Russian River Vacation Dacha where Mr. Giuliani probably wanted to retreat was listed on Pinterest under Update & Reveal: